How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
