Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
