He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
