Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
