he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
