Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
