My cat gives me a boner
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
