Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
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