i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
