I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I cut my penus on the lid.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
