he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You are a booty call, not a friend.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
