I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
