There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
