oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
