sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
