my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
