1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
