Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
