I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Congratulations! We have a period
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