She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I got inside last night via doggy door
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
