Pants 0. Shit 1.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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