hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
