Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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