You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
