This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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