Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
