drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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