Hey man sorry I got all grabby
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
