the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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