Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
