he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
