and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
