Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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