I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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