my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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