I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
