you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Operation Purity has been aborted
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
