Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
