I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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