I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
time to smoke my breakfast
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
