I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
