I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
