Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
