Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
