oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
