the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
