ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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