you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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