I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
