just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
